lu_lu's Xanga

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:18:40 GMT

I think I would like to procure a subdermal anchoring piercing right where my spine ends so that I may attach a tail if the mood strikes me.

I have always wanted a tail though I won't really be able to move it other than by wiggling.

I want to collect a bunny tail and a cat tail and a fox tail and a dinosaur tail (ala Fear and Loathing) and a deer tail and a dolphin tail and a wolf tail and an ocelot tail and a koala tail. All humanely harvested or artificial, of course.

I had a dream Alec Baldwin raped me and I became traumatized / disgusted. So I asked Kirsten Dunst what to do and she recommended deliberate and precisely directed ignorance. So I just beat the shit out of him.

I have a bug bite on my love handle. Buggie, you are the only thing that dares to grasp my handle. And only because you found you could take something from me: my precious, tainted, iron-deficient, easily drawn, easily lost blood. I hope you got fucked up beyond your capacity after downing that shit. Can't hold your drink, two in the pink, one in the stink. Or whatever.

The lingering pungence of pho on your fingers and clothes and breath and hair is a crucial reason why I cannot enjoy pho. Smelling it in the car on the way home gives me a headache. Hell no. Though I suppose rubbing the discarded lime rinds into your fingers and mouth would alleviate the odor some. Then wash your hands. Still does nothing about your clothes though. Strip and burn em?

I am very shy though usually kind and extremely sensitive and scatter-brained with a tendendy for bursts of bizzaro whimsy and vicious snarling when slightly provoked for which I occasionally apologize.

How do I pick up a bunny?!?!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 01:18:33 GMT

Another Charles dream resulting in another dangerously unproductive though yummy day spent curled up and half-asleep, coaxing the dream to continue. Go on, won't you. Please.

Another reunited night, the old crowd piled into her room which we knew so well. "So where is he?" I ventured, falsely innocent. Everyone smiled knowingly. I was embarassed, intentions easily read. Suppose they all knew.

Then. Tearing open the sliding wooden door, manic expression, storming in and collapsing behind me as I lay on my side eyes shut tight willing him not to be there and sighing exasperatedly. Arm thrown haphazardly around my waist, pressing intimidatingly. Face buried between my shoulder blades. Actions very out of character, mood witnessed before.

Uh.. what the fuck happened?

Everyone slowly began to file out, whether afraid of his mood or to leave us alone I know not. I begged them not to leave with my eyes. This isn't how it was supposed to be, with everyone aware and moving deliberately.

Eased onto my back, stricken with apprehension, too aware of the few lingering back. Don't do it. I can't handle you getting close. It's not right on my part.

I'm happier, or less conflicted, admiring from afar and living vicariously through those who don't feel shame when you're around.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 09:31:41 GMT

Hmm.. Wasn't I planning to quit smoking everyanything months ago?

Keep thinking I will grow out of it but maybe I need to be more diligent and less.. infamously whimsical and slightly unhinged.

Bah.

Food and pharmaceuticals and stoges, my greatest weaknesses and poopiest vices. I hate them terribly.. But they're "sooooo~ yummyyy."

By the time I was in fifth grade I knew how to dry-swallow pills by the handful. Just the memory of it and every time after that makes me gag bitterly. Blurhhp. Grody.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 11:16:42 GMT

Ultrareunificationosodomatizing.

I made up a word. It neatly described what is at hand, with an extra dab of scandalous tacked on the end.

I feel like describing us isn't accurate until we perverse it bizarrely and inappropriately in every manner of the word.

I made a slightly wide left turn with my car full of... dude man bros and abruptly proclaimed, "Meeeeeeoooooooowwwwwwwww!" in childish delight as we pulled mad Gs swinging around the corner.

They just stared, strangely endeared but mostly confounded. Uh.. what was that? Chuckle.

Just enjoyin' the ride B)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:16:06 GMT

I will stabbity you.

Take that. And that. Oh hoh, touche mohn-sewer. But you cannot catch mee I'm the gingerbread man. Also, backup switchblade. In my shoe. There's a surprise in my hat too. Surprise! Go go vivi gadget underoo cannon! PHOOOMP!

Delightful.

You die now.

I'm done with classes.

Now I can do exactly the same thing I've been doing.

Um I don't remember. Working, reading, writing, extreme bunny-play, errands, eating, researching trivial though fascinating topics and going to Costco.

I don't have my own Costco membership card so Hana and I always have to stealth it ghetto-style and deftly meld into some large Asian family. Similar features and general ignorance utilized to maximum efficiency. Hell, the workers probably don't even care but anything to make us feel accomplished.

Yes, plodding uncomfortably close to strangers in a half-assed attempt to enter Costco incognito counts as accomplishment.

My actual car is back. They did something to the battery and reset the radio and now it is deathly silent when I drive. It only has a cassette player (which does not accept cassette adapters, I've tried. Very much so.) and a radio, whose stealing-prevention code I need to find and enter. To amuse myself I sing any song that comes to mind.

So far, Bohemian Rhapsody is what I've been attempting.

Galileo figaro, MAGNIFICO oh oh oh oh oh OH! Oh mama mia mama mia mama mia let me go. Beelzebub has a.. doo dee doo aside for mee for meeee for MEEEEEEE!!

And yeah. You know what happens next.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 03:59:01 GMT

Meeeeeee...yeow!!! @_@

Bunny kennel second story shelf-building dude-skill-utilizing master class fast-finger extravaganza is completed!

It is way less ghetto than I thought it would look.

Turns out I needed the eldest Mendoza not: I am enough of a dude to build shit myself, however clumsily and anti-streamlined. Ah... Gender roles and stereotypes. :D

The bunny approves.

Wow I'm the shit.

I have a drawer full of sentimental crap that I didn't realize was sentimental crap until literally just now. I tend to just throw shit in there that I don't feel like throwing away. Including bandaids. Thought it was random until I was pawing impatiently through the fluff looking for lighters when I realized 'hey wait one goddam godforsaken minute. All this stuff has meaning.'

Bwaaahhh!!

Also it's Sunday. New Metalocalypse and Venture Bro woomofuckinghoo.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 09:11:13 GMT

Wow that was gay.

Never writing without meds again.

Liieesss. Hisss.

Old J and current Sarah are very similar, as Stephen and Old ViVi are. The former, submissive; the latter, dominating. Clashing, miscommunicating, belittling. Pushing. How long til you snap. Don't hold in your retort because you think it will infuriate me, I'm irritated that you're even withholding it anyway. Come on just say it. Persistent. Spit it out. I want to snarl and claw your mouth open, just fucking say something, but I hold it in. Doesn't matter, the intent is there anyway. You shrink away and I sneer. Impatient with your lack of spine. Stand up to me. Just do it. Do it or I'll despise you, you ruminate. The false knowledge jars you even more. God not that again.

Uh I think Stephen is a lot less angry and irritable than I used to be, just temperamental. I extreeemely mellowed out after I stopped tweaking and realized I had to slow down and carefully request shit and be understanding and not snappy, ugh. J and I get along better than ever these days but not nearly enough to ever warrant getting back together. We are kind to one another but know in the back of our minds we despise each other's insecurities more than we give a damn about our common interests.

God I need to fight someone. I should get back in shape.. I could just sit on them--instant victory.

Your contempt for me is irksome. Stop it before you regret it. I'm not doing anything malicious, I'm saving up for a hopefully glorious day. Everyone's swamped right now.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:10:23 GMT

I found an ancient pack of filtered Lucky Strikes that you likely don't even remember purchasing for me when I was fifteen and legally unable to. I finished off half the pack dazedly wandering the streets after your departure before I even considered holding on to it.

Of course I have to mention you every so often. Particularly when things start to slow down and frighten me. Mixes things up a bit. Keeps things interesting.

I don't think I've taken Albert's advice often enough. Of course it came something like years too late but I should have found it myself.

I should have looked back on things as a fond memory of a brief but pleasant time. Instead I worked myself up about the reality that it didn't and couldn't continue.

It made me sad (or I made it make me sad) for the longest time because I wanted so badly to go back, oh anything to escape the insanity at the time, and that would have been the best and most cathartic alternative. But it just couldn't happen. Even if I could, my image of you was (is) probably completely mangled by desperation and loneliness anyway. It wouldn't have been the same.

I fared well enough on my own. One could say. I wouldn't have my infamous weathered unhinged look about me if not for faring on my own. Cool beans.

Truly, good freaking times.
The best.

I guess now I'm a bit older I understand. Not that I wanted to ugh. Age: it sucks balls.

Bunny!!!! BD

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 11:28:50 GMT

I'm.. content. I think.

There shouldn't be so much debate about it but das how I roll: retardedly. Limbs splayed out everywhere, awkward as fxck, lumbering, graceless, tactless, stiff and difficult and careless, not in the least bit aerodynamic. Even with an incline to assist me I would roll haphazardly. Dangerously. Watch your eye. I can take it out with a well-aimed kick if need be. Or more likely it will happen by accident anyway because I have absolutely no control over myself whatsoever.

I wish my pets were more accustomed to being approached or held or petted or cuddled. They are so cold-hearted. I rather like cuddling. At least the bunny has associated my presence with food and very yummy face-petting. It closes its eyes luxuriously, ears laid flat. Damned if I can pick him up though. The cat is a hopeless cause I gave up on that bitch years ago.

I have a feeling my personality changed for the duller and, unlike the first time, I'm not particularly aware of it. Calmer, apathetic, blah. I'm getting very good at easily dismissing shit and not giving a damn. I'm neither pleased nor displeased. There are pros and cons. Can't have it all I guess.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 04:42:56 GMT

"Like a spaghetti, or in this case, sausage kiss."

..."Sausage Kiss"?